I’ve been terrified of not being afraid so much anymore. And that terrifies me. What if I jinx myself with feeling like God’s healed me for good? What if I’m wrong? What if I feel like I’m going to be ok, and then in the end I’m not and the cancer comes back? So many people have told me I’m going to be ok so why am I afraid of reoccurrence? Am I afraid to trust in that? What if I’m too afraid to believe in that and it’s God trying to tell me that I’m going to be ok with this whole Cancer thing? What if…so many what ifs. Truth is, I need to keep praying. I need to grow my relationship with God because only then will my fears drip away. Only then can I find a peace that’s everlasting.
Then I get terrified like what if I am coming to this realization because God’s preparing me for my worst fear? But really what if I have started feeling all this because I’m wiser? Because through my dark days I’ve learned so much. Because maybe somebody else needs to hear this. I remember listening to a church service before my dad passed about a lady who had cancer. How they wanted her to be healed in the hospital. They believed she would, and then she passed. But her healing wasn’t our definition of healing. It was a healing that would occur in heaven. I remember being so mad that day, but I believe now it’s exactly what I needed to hear. Because if you believe in God you will go to heaven and that’s where my dad is. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. That’s what my dad used to say. He’s now free from the pain and sickness. Again, in the end it will all be ok.
I was watching a movie called God’s of Egypt with Joe. A part of the movie had a girl who was waiting on her judgment in the afterlife. I thought wow wouldn’t that be great if there was a place you could go to forever and be happy. Where everything was perfect? Oh wait, there is. It was such a face palm moment for me. Think about it though. For someone who’s biggest fear used to be death (now it’s cancer), that’s a huge thing to be a tiny bit less afraid.
Back to fear…Why do we allow ourselves to get so scared, when God has our back through it all? I’m so so guilty of this. Everyday I punch fear, and it’s getting better, but it’s a work in progress.
This week I went to church for a mini series called Midweek (on Wednedays) and we went over Romans 8. We were told to read over and pick a verse and meditate on it this week. My verse for the first portion we read was this, and I think it’s fitting to what I said…
“The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. ” Romans 8:6
If you’re reading this and you have some insight on this, please share in the comments. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Mom, that includes you. 😉
I shared this on my shop’s Instagram but I needed to share this here. It’s been on my heart lately. How even if my worst fears were to come true, God’s got me. It’s going to be ok, because the end result no matter what is heaven. How beautiful is that? While I hope for a long life with beautiful babies in my future for me and all my loved ones…no matter what God’s plan is he’s got our back. He loves us.
I remember being terrified this time last year. What was cancer going to do me? Would I live to see 26? What would I look like bald? I was terrified. I eagerly searched through #breastcancer tags looking to see what real life as a survivor/fighter was like. I was desperate for clues on if it was going to be ok. Fast forward to today. I turned 26. My hair is growing back. I’m done with treatment. Life moves on, but I need to tell you…Yes, you reading this. It’s going to be ok. I know, it doesn’t always feel like it. I know your situation might be worse then mine. I firmly believe in a God that loves me, and I’m starting to see now that no matter what happens he is there for me. Through my cancer diagnosis and treatment, through my dad’s diagnosis, through losing my dad, through the fear he has never left my side. If I stopped and just breathed, I realized that he was providing me comfort and peace. A peace that allowed me to get through the darkest of days. So please know, that whatever you are going through…Whatever stage you are at in life, whatever battles you might be facing, you are going to be ok. By our human standards it might not feel ok, but God’s got you. I see you. You are not alone.
If you’re reading this and I made you sad, I’m sorry. That’s not my intention. My intention is to give you hope and to remind you that God is with us. If you need a prayer tonight let me know please. I’d be happy to do so, as so many have done for me.
Edited to add: I feel a lot better getting this all off my chest. I realize it’s a battle of not just fear but truly trusting in God for me. <3