So even after all those reassurances in my last post the next day (even a bit that night) I was feeling like a victim. I didn’t know it though. I was sulking and was in a funk, but I couldn’t pull myself out. I was living in a state of worry. Worry is meditation with the wrong mindset. I was already thinking of what life would be like if my worst fear came true after my brain MRI (stage 4). Why plan for the future? How could I plan an event I want to do for Hope25 with this fear and weight over my head. Why work? So I woke up yesterday and today. Yesterday I prayed a bit, but I was sluggish in my mind. I’m so thankful my brother picked me up for lunch and for the rest of the day I wasn’t alone. At night I saw a verse, the same one a friend texted me earlier in the week, on Facebook.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. —Isaiah 41:10
Today I didn’t even feel like praying much. I was fully aware that God is with me, but I was hesitant to do life. I scrolled through social media desperately trying to escape my own life. I was trying to distract myself. Ok enough I thought, as I prayed and opened up the bible app. I couldn’t concentrate though, but I remembered a friend asking if I had gone to church Sunday. She said it was a really good service. So I listened to the podcast but again found myself scrolling through social media. Nope…I paused it and put on the video.
She talked about Romans 8 (click here for her sermon). A part of that verse is, “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” More than conquerors. I was letting my situation be the conquerer wasn’t I? “Victims believed they have been conquered, victors believed they are a conquerer.”
“Do you talk to God about your circumstances or do you talk to your circumstances about your God?”
That’s when I heard the word victim. I’m not playing the victim card am I? I was… You have to listen to her speak, I couldn’t possibly write about it as good as she talks about it. It’s only 34 minutes so listen!
At the end of the service I watched, I was literally crying. I was living in worry in my head. Assuming the worst instead of just resting in God’s presence and goodness. Can you believe she talked about my verse?
Philippians 4: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
There it is again. The verse. Ok God, I get it. You’re with me.
After that the weight was lifted. Whatever happens I will be ok. My husband keeps reminding me that God doesn’t take away what he’s given us. He believes I’ve been given complete healing, and I have to believe that. I think deep down inside, I do. I just let worry take over my mind.
So Still, pray for me please.
Still waiting on insurance to approve it for Saturday, but I’ll keep ya updated.
As always, thanks for reading.